On Motherhood

I NEVER SAW MYSELF BECOMING A MOTHER.

I was actually one of those who thought that I'd forever be 1) a spinster; or 2) in and out of screwed up relationships. I never saw myself as having it, you know, that motherhood-shall-complete-me desire to have a child since I don't think I have that nurturing quality called maternal instinct. It comes naturally to most women. I, however, lack volumes of it. The last time I held a baby, I accidentally dropped the baby on the couch. Since then, I vowed not to tinker with fragile little bodies lest I become the cause of paralysis or brain damage. By the way, that baby, my nephew Sheldon, is now 16 years old.

So when Maru came into my life, I froze. Though I prepared for his arrival--I'm bookish, I read tons of books about caring for newborns, breasfeeding and other stuff--I still find myself at a complete loss most of the time. I had imagined myself breastfeeding my baby, but since milk came a week after birth, we had to succumb to bottle feeding. And just when I thought I was ready to breastfeed him, he rejected me. Actually, he rejected my nipples, which I find offensive since of all the men in my life, I didn't expect my son to be the one to hate my nipples (hehe). Now I've become a baby seductress who's still attempting to have Maru suck at my breast while gobbling Malunggay soup as a hobby.

The first three days Maru was home was crazy. I always wake up with a jolt, fearing that I might have suffocated him in my sleep. I vividly remember how, according to kuwento, Papa Dom of Tropical Depression had accidentally suffocated his baby. Papa Dom's huge and when someone that huge falls asleep on top of a baby...yaiks. Though I'm sure he didn't want that to happen, it still serves as a lesson for me to be extra cautious when sleeping beside Maru. Then there's also the thought of SIDS or sudden infant death syndrome which prompts me to check Maru's breathing almost every hour.

Since I didn't have any experience caring for a baby, I had no idea what's normal or not when it comes to poop. Maru's the first baby I cleaned up after pooping. One night, he gave two consecutive really wet stools and I panicked. Mike wasn't home yet at that time so I called up my cousin and we rushed Maru to the Metropolitan Hospital at 2 a.m. When the doctor checked on Maru, she said that everything seems normal and that Maru's fine as long as he's not pooping water. Mike, who followed us at the hospital, paid P450 of emergency room fees for my first-time-mom stupidity.

Sleep has suddenly become a luxury. Maru must have acquired my bad sleeping habits--he'll sleep only when he's super tired and in the wee hours of the morning. And take note, he'll sleep only after hours of crying. So sometimes out of frustration and exhaustion, I cry with him. Parang tange but I can't help it, I'm a crybaby and I guess he's also acquired that habit from me too.

And for the first time in years, I've also experienced not having enough time to check my cellphone messages and emails. As in super busy. Sometimes, I even have to schedule my lunch, dinner, and bath. It can get depressing, especially when I think how my life has become less about me and more about "the family." I thought this must be the reason why some couples get overwhelmed with their new job as parents and balk at their responsibilities.

But of course, motherhood has a lot of perks. I still don't know what to make of my initial reaction when I first saw Maru at the nursery (I was already drugged when he came out so I didn't see him at the delivery room). I must admit, it wasn't what some mothers have termed it--love at first sight. Of course I was happy with how my son look--he's so adorable and I believe he'll grow up to become a really handsome fella. But for the most part I think I felt more scared than excited when I first saw him.

It was different though when I visited him again for my first attempt at breastfeeding. The nurse led me to the breastfeeding area and I waited for her to hand Maru to me. And when I finally held him, that was it--I caved in. It's 18 hours of labor be damned. It's wow-you're-here and thank-god-your-father-and-I-didn't-break-up high. I must have cried and smiled and laughed and talked aloud at the same time. It's I-will-never-leave-you-ever love. It's a slew of various emotions and I must have made a thousand and one promises to the kid who has from that time on changed me to the core.

Because I am a mother now.

SO. HEAR. ME. ROAR.